For a very long time, I was wishing to really find a way out from being in distress, which is due to me feeling that I, a princess, was abandoned by her prince.
When he left, I was so mad, so angry, so hurt. I was hurt that I didn't even see that I was already drowning myself to a sea of bitterness and insecurities. My mind's focus before was to win him back and save him from the witch that wants to poison his mind. I held on to the idea that he doesn't like me anymore, that he already found someone else. I tried and tried to save the relationship. I really did my best that I even ran after him a lot of times that it didn't matter to me what other people say about me. I want to tell this because that's the fact. We were together for almost 4 years, therefore it was hard for me to let it go and I couldn't stop myself from thinking how sayang it is for me to give up just like that, plus I was worried about what my life would be without him (so worldly, right?)
But the more I try to make it better, the more it gets worse. I never really understood why he left and why our relationship ended. I never expected it to come nor wanted it to happen, but it did. I tried to let go. But each time I tried, I failed and I hated myself even more.
Until one Thursday, I decided to skip work because I am really down and depressed, and I can't take the pain anymore. I really didn't know what to do, or wait, maybe I did know what to do, but I kept on denying it. I kept on denying God. But that time, I was totally helpless that I just broke down, cried and surrendered everything to Him. I can't really explain very clearly, but at that moment I felt His comfort and that He's unloading every pain and burden in my heart. He opened my eyes which were blinded by uncontainable emotions and my false hopes from the past. I realized that I was already making an idol, substituting him and choosing him over God. I loved him more than I loved God. I acknowledged my shortcomings to God and repented. And at that very moment, I felt the joy I lost for the longest time. I find it hard to explain how I felt after, but what I'm sure about is that the thing i just did was my first step in letting go.
I now understand these things he told me before.
- He doesn't appreciate the fact that I love him more than I love God.
- He saw our relationship was not healthy anymore because it doesn't glorify God.
- He wants me to be independent from him (since he became my world) but dependent to God
I know the battle doesn't end here. I honestly admit, I still miss him and I'm always tempted to keep in touch and tell him all there is to tell, but I know that if I do it, it will not help us both, and things could get worse. I still feel the pain, and I know I am still on the process of letting go, and this is a long process for me. But I will find joy in waiting because I have the assurance that God is filling every empty corner of my heart now, slowly but surely. Even if some things are not clear to me yet, I will still trust Him and enjoy these unexpected turn of events.
This is a major breakthrough in my life that I am blessed to have. To quote Ptr. Tan-chi of CCF, "When you are disappointed in life, don't jump into conclusions but learn to appreciate the presence of God instead."
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